What to do before "I do"
by Christine Petrik, LCSW
Newly married couples never really know what life has is in store. Still, as a so-called "relationship expert," I know a little something that most couples will experience: inevitable breakdowns in communication.
David and I have a home in Cape May, NJ. Here in Cape May, we have Four Seasons: Summer Beach Season, Autumn Ocean Foliage, Winter Holiday Festivals, and Spring Wedding Season. Cape May consistently ranks as one of the most popular wedding destinations in the US. Over 400 couples come to Cape May annually to tie the knot.
As I witness so many lovely newlyweds making their way to/from the beach or B&B on the day of their nuptials, I can't help but wonder if they've done their preparation. No, not wedding preparation, marriage preparation. You can do several essential things before you say, "I do."
What "should" you do? Talk, Communicate, Converse! Please make time to sit down and ask each other some essential questions and honestly answer them. So, here is my little abbreviated checklist of the things to converse about, not assume, nor briefly mention, but fully discuss with your partner:
WORK – What are your professional goals? How much time do you devote to your job? How do you feel about each other's work? What about retirement?
HOME – Where do you want to live, and for how long? What style of living do you like? How will you share in the household chores?
FINANCES – How do you spend your money and on what? How much do you like to save? Who keeps the household books? Will you have joint or separate accounts, or both? What are your financial goals?
INTIMACY/SEX – How often do you prefer to make love? How is the quality of your intimacy? Are you comfortable with affection? How about publicly?
CHILDREN/FAMILY/FRIENDS – Do you want to have children? If so, how many? Do you want to adopt? What values and beliefs do you want to raise your children with? How will you share in the child-rearing duties? In what ways and to what extent will your families be involved in your lives? What about aging parents? How to you like to socialize? How do you feel about each other's friends?
SPIRITUALITY– Do you observe the same faith or share the same practice, if any? Which, if any, holidays are important to observe, and how? What about rituals around death and birth?
I hope it's obvious I'm not advocating this task be tackled all in one sitting. It's a process.
It is also important here that I STRESS another point: just because you and your partner may not be 100% in agreement with each other's visions, values, and desires – most couples aren't – this does not mean you are necessarily with the wrong person. What it does mean is that you are now much better informed.
If areas of disagreement or discord seem crucial, they will require more attention and time to sort through. Perhaps seeking a good Couple's Therapist to help you navigate this process would be wise. Naturally, I believe most couples would benefit from some premarital counseling – but I'll leave that alone for now.
So, the actual marriage begins after the ceremony, after the reception party, and after the honeymoon. If this will soon be you, or you've already taken the plunge, I wish you well and good work!