How To Save Your Marriage When You're a DO-er, But Your Partner Is a BE-er
by Christine Petrik, LCSW
It's scary to discover that the person you've fallen in love with, married and building a life with is very different from you. It can feel as if you were either blind when you decided to marry or you've been tricked; they've changed. Despite you and your partner having different personality types, you can save your marriage.
Opposites attract, and that's a good thing when it comes to having a great marriage.
Conventional wisdom says, "Find someone with the same interests and a similar personality type." While having similar interests together is essential, having the same personality type work for picking a good roommate, but it isn't the best recipe for a lasting passionate marriage. The truth is, if you marry someone just like yourself you'll be bored, very quickly. Worse than that - there will be no growth.
Drs. Harville Hendrix and Helen La Kelly Hunt, authors of the best-selling book "Getting the Love You Want," believe that "seeming" incompatibility makes a great marriage.
The problem is we mistake differences for incompatibility.
Let's face it; the early stage of romantic love is exciting, almost intoxicating. A potent brain cocktail of phenylethylamine (PEA) helps fire off norepinephrine and dopamine, the neurochemicals responsible for creating that sense of exhilaration. Part of the thrill is due to anticipation. You and your new flame are embarking on an exciting fresh adventure. Not only what will happen on this journey is unknown, but your new traveling companion is also a mystery. And because you're currently intoxicated, you are not seeing your new partner with clarity. What is happening is you're projecting onto them all the things you wish they'd be and staying blind to all the ways they actually are that you don't like.
Soon, those chemicals wear off, and you're no longer in a state of euphoria. Then, when you've come down from the high, you're no longer gazing at them through rose-colored glasses. Those cute idiosyncrasies have now become big BIG nuisances. You might have frequent thoughts about how your partner has changed or that they're not the same person you married. "You've changed," or "You're not the same person I married." Don't panic; this is common.
The honeymoon may be over, but the marriage can actually begin. Having similar values is vital for a good marriage, but that doesn't mean someone with similar values will also have a comparable approach to work and family. In every relationship, there will be two!
Regarding romantic partners, one way to understand your differences is by learning which one of you is the "Do-er" and which one is the "Be-er." These two personality types are attracted to and often marry one another.
What are Do-ers and Be-ers?
In marriage, it's not uncommon for one partner to feel they're the one that keeps the relationship moving forward. They are the Do-ers. Do-ers feel responsible for the business of living. They make sure things get done. They remember to send birthday cards to extended family, get bills paid on time, be sure the kids get their homework done…..
"Be-ers," on the other hand, feel a need to make sure life is enjoyed; they want to be BE in the moment. They remind us to stop and smell the roses. For them, rushing through life is no way to live.
Of course, everyone holds both of these qualities; the person who wants to be responsible and the person who wants to relax and enjoy the ride. The problem occurs when one or both partners feel that the "Be-ing" or "Do-ing" isn't happening enough. Then, these often opposing needs push up against one another, creating an even more exaggerated extreme.
If you are the Do-er in your marriage, and you're not getting enough cooperation from your Be-er partner, you will most likely DO more of what you've been doing – just with more energy and/or determination. You'll work faster, push harder… You get the picture!
Do-ers hope, by trying harder, they'll get their Be-er partners to take action! It doesn't work, at least not for long.
If you're the Be-er partner, you will feel the pressure of losing time to just BE and often dig in, stonewall, or slow down even more. You're secretly hoping to get your Do-er partner to have more balance.
How to save your marriage and thrive!
One: Become curious again! Remember how you were at the beginning of your relationship? You were intrigued by this mysterious stranger who looked at life from the opposite angle. They had qualities very different from yours.
They were fascinating, and you wanted to learn more about them. Do that again! Instead of trying to get your partner to see things your way, or worse yet – be you, think of them as someone you're still getting to know.
Stay open to the WONDER of learning who your partner is every day and for the rest of your lives.
Two: Reframe your frustration into an opportunity for self-growth. Think of your partner's requests as an invitation to stretch. They are helping you develop a muscle you probably wouldn't have bothered to exercise if not for them.
Three: If you're the Do-er, BE more. If you're a Be-er, DO more. Yep! Although this can feel very difficult, you'll find that stretching into the personally tricky areas will help you to grow and develop undeveloped muscle. This paradoxical universal principle is solid, tested, and true. By trying less to get your own needs met and instead giving your partner more of what they need, you'll actually encounter less resistance and therefore get more of what you want. Crazy! But as Paul McCartney sang, "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."
What your partner asks of you is most likely just what you need to have more of for yourself. In turn, what you need from your partner is probably what they need to do for themselves. This is why we're not only attracted to different personality types; we benefit from partnering with them. Opposites allow us to grow.