The Willingness to be Willing
by Christine Petrik, LCSW
Many partners wish their spouse would nag less, pick up after themselves all the time, go out on a date night, stay at home more… The entreats are endless. It's tempting to believe peace and enjoyment will be sustained if only your partner would change their behavior. The problem is those requests don't restore the underlying desire for a secure and enjoyable connection. It's like rearranging the furniture when your walls are cracking. Band-Aid approaches will not do.
You've heard the advice: you need to acknowledge a problem before you can productively resolve it. It's true; naming and accepting what's not working is the first step. All too often, with good intentions, couples jump to "fixing" via external deviations. A more reparative, lasting approach requires another crucial phase: discovering and accepting the situation at a root level.
So, how do you and your partner journey on a road you haven't been down before? Or worse, dare to try that trip again? Start by saying YES. If that doesn't feel possible, decide you are willing to be willing to explore TOGETHER. Remember Einstein's advice: until you do something different than you've done before, you'll continue to get the same results you've already gotten. The good news is the more you practice willingness, the better you'll get at it because willingness is a learned and practiced mindset. It enables you to be open to change, face challenges, and experience more possibilities.
Behavior change by itself is fleeting if it's done without compassionate curiosity and safely communicated between partners. THEN follow up with smart solutions. Decide to be willing to get started.
Here are FIVE things that help strengthen your Willingness muscle:
PAUSE: when you first notice those bodily sensations of resistance coming from you or your partner, don't run, attack, or hide. Instead, pause and breathe. Heightened reactivity (fight, flight, freeze) rips away your ability to maintain a calm presence and self-control.
REMEMBER THE BIG WISH: Remember the big picture, the relationship you wanted and once believed in. Visualize it and be willing to tolerate some struggle so you can re-birth it. Reflecting on that goal draws you back to your core values and behaviors that matter most.
FACE IT: Change is scary sometimes; it requires relinquishing control over what might happen and certainly over others' behaviors, but growth will not occur in a stranglehold. Face the fear, breathe more, stay flexible, and pace yourself. Beware the resistance monster. Listening to that voice may seem like it will keep you safe, but it only keeps you trapped.
SEEK HELP & INSPIRATION: You don't need to reinvent the wheel. Many, many, couples have come before you. Countless have successfully navigated these roads and can show you the way. Surround yourself with couples who inspire you, and don't hesitate to reach out for professional help even before the damage is severe. Enjoy a concentrated double dose of support and inspiration by attending a couple's workshop or retreat. Get a two-in-one!
CELEBRATE THE VICTORIES: Every time you or your partner have overcome the resistance barrier and softened into more willingness, celebrate! That's a huge victory. Positive reinforcement will boost your desire to keep going.
Willingness is a journey. It asks you to show up, lower your defenses, and practice self-acceptance and acceptance of your partner. The commitment of time, energy, and resources to change is ten-fold. We hope to see you on your journey. Last thing, ask yourself, what are you willing to do right now? DO IT!